How the Global Pandemic Helped Make Peace with my Depression and Anxiety

I still struggle everyday don’t get me wrong, but I learned something new from being in a pandemic.

Picture from Pexels

As the world forced us, forced me, to slow down I knew my fate with my depression and anxiety would have to come to face. By shutting down the city, it got rid of the distractions that kept me busy and my mind being able to avoid all the pain I felt everyday. I couldn’t go out drinking with my friends, dinners with him, my alone time at the gyms…for many, along with my self, our worlds had become unrecognizable and we were asked to adjust. And I was alone with only time and depression and anxiety were the only guests who weren’t social distancing with me. I had nowhere to go, nowhere to drown them out with my friends’ voices, with work, or the loud subways to run them over. I sat there and we talked and they came everyday because they could…

When I would have a uneventful weekend, that’s when my depression and anxiety would spike. Because I had nowhere to go and I finally opened my schedule for them to chat.

But I needed this, I knew. I didn’t need to be depressed or anxious. I need to make peace with them. This time has been hard, don’t get me wrong. But I know I have so many unresolved feelings that I’ve kept pushing aside and 45 minute therapy sessions once a week wasn’t cutting it. It helps, trust me, it does- but there was so much in me and there is still so much pain in me.

Look, my depression isn’t going away. My anxiety isn’t going away but I’m getting better at acknowledging their existence and working with them in my everyday life.

What does that look like for me?

It’s so important to give yourself space to BREATH and not think about anything in the world.

My therapist who is amazing and incredible and I am very grateful that I have this privilege to pay for a therapist started doing Tela-therapy. There are weeks that I don’t want to show up and it’s okay if you can’t all the time, but it helps to talk with someone to help you become AWARE of yourself, to see yourself, and to want to help yourself.

I hate being alone. Not like I can’t go anywhere without people but more so, if I’m left alone, it will force me to be alone in my thoughts, to hear myself, to be stuck in my head that is true madness. It’s emotionally exhausting to have a conversation with myself. But I’m working on being brave, to take the strides and wave hi to depression and anxiety when they pass me by- to sit with them sometimes and know they cannot control me forever.

Look, I still struggle with this everyday. Life is an on-going experiment where we learn everyday. I know I’m not perfect and I wish I didn’t have to see my depression or anxiety at all, but I know I’m more than just my depression and anxiety. And if you’re struggling with it too- YOU are too. You are a lot stronger than you know and a lot braver. So, I know I’ll get through this, every day, every little step forward matters and that’s all we can give ourselves.

25 & resides in NYC. The Host of my own Podcast, Where You w/ Mackenzie. I write mostly about my life experiences on relationships, mental health, and my 20s